Why do we get into conflict? In my understanding of the world, conflict comes into our lives when something is ready to be healed. Our subconscious mind attracts a conflictual situation to heal and move forward. The conflict comes not from this subconscious part, but from our ego-self, the part of us that seeks safety.
“I don’t want to change! I’m happy how I am! Please, stop!”, she says. She is afraid. She likes the familiar. She wants you to be safe.
But what we know now is that if we don’t process this conflict, we will cycle in and out of the same conditions that bring us this specific type of conflict until the wound is healed.
I want to offer a solution to this hamster wheel of suffering:
We shouldn’t seek to be conflict-free because conflict is actually freeing.
Instead of ignoring or soothing, get into it. There will always be problems in life. Concerns. Disappointments even.
Every solution, every resolution, will eventually lead to a new pain point. This is what it is to be a meaning-seeking, ever-expanding human being.
But what is conflict really about? Generally speaking, it is when we perceive that one of our core needs aren’t being met: safety, love and connection, significance. We want to be heard. We want to be understood. We want to matter.
A short list of the benefits from my own personal experience and that of my clients: deeper intimacy, a strengthening of self, a new understanding of our partners/friends/selves, a freeing of past trauma, an expansion of the heart, an expansion in spaciousness, a letting go of things that harm us, a leaning into things that give us life, enhanced trust, enhanced peace… the list goes on.
The benefits of communicating with an open, loving heart in moments when you want to do the exact opposite far outweigh the momentary discomfort it brings. I know this because I was a chronic conflict-avoider/soother, and I’ve made it to the other side!
Stay tuned for the next few weeks to learn more about conflict skills from the new paradigm: how to warm up to conflict, how to centre oneself + stay open-hearted, how to communicate in a conflict… and more!
[…] This is the second part in a three-part series on Conflict. If you missed #1, hop on over and check it out. […]
[…] in a three-part series on Conflict. If you missed #1 and 2, hop on over and check it out. Click here for #1 and here for […]