I WAS HARD TO BE AROUND FOR AWHILE.
Specifically, it was hard for me to be around me for a LONG while. When I was in the throws of my own sh!t, I was so scared all the time that everyone was going to hate me + leave me that I spent all my time TRYING my darndest to be the most palatable person in the world.
I was dancing around, trying to figure out the magical dance steps that would finally set me free! Freedom from myself and all the sh!t things I believed about who I was at my core: unendingly broken, hard, ugly, unloveable, uninteresting, etc. etc.
(and just as a note, I don’t need you to tell me I’m not/wasn’t those things! I know that now, TRULY in my bones, but thank you for seeing me!)
I spent the majority of my young life trying to be a paperbag version of myself- afraid to have real opinions and preferences on even the smallest stuff, never telling the truth about how I felt, accepting crap from people who continually hurt me, colouring inside the lines, and shaming myself for every time I stepped out of my box. All with a big smile on my face!
I was exhausted, resentful, and had a scorecard for each relationship in my life. Eventually, I turned to numbness just to be able to swallow my days. Numbness turned to chronic digestive issues, which just spiraled deeper into shame, anxiety and… more numbness.
I still remember the immense pain of the breaking point where some steady, unbreakable part of me took a stand for my future. She was the part of me that took the first steps toward freedom and sought help. She earned the first gush of tears when I felt the joy of feeling something again.
It all makes sense now, how the pieces fit with the trauma of my life. But back then, I simply felt like an unruly mess.
So, this is for the women who feel like there’s too much to clean up, too much to be looked at, and not enough gold at the end of the path to even take the first step- YOU are worth it, it doesn’t have to be this way and it isn’t your fault.