I WAS HARD TO BE AROUND FOR AWHILE.
Specifically, it was hard for me to be around me for a LONG while. When I was in the throws of my own sh!t, I was so scared all the time that everyone was going to hate me + leave me that I spent all my time TRYING my darndest to be the most palatable person in the world.
I was dancing around, trying to figure out the magical dance steps that would finally set me free! Freedom from myself and all the sh!t things I believed about who I was at my core: unendingly broken, hard, ugly, unloveable, uninteresting, etc. etc.
(and just as a note, I don’t need you to tell me I’m not/wasn’t those things! I know that now, TRULY in my bones, but thank you for seeing me!)
I spent the majority of my young life trying to be a paperbag version of myself- afraid to have real opinions and preferences on even the smallest stuff, never telling the truth about how I felt, accepting crap from people who continually hurt me, colouring inside the lines, and shaming myself for every time I stepped out of my box. All with a big smile on my face!
I was exhausted, resentful, and had a scorecard for each relationship in my life. Eventually, I turned to numbness just to be able to swallow my days. Numbness turned to chronic digestive issues, which just spiraled deeper into shame, anxiety and… more numbness.
I still remember the immense pain of the breaking point where some steady, unbreakable part of me took a stand for my future. She was the part of me that took the first steps toward freedom and sought help. She earned the first gush of tears when I felt the joy of feeling something again.
It all makes sense now, how the pieces fit with the trauma of my life. But back then, I simply felt like an unruly mess.
So, this is for the women who feel like there’s too much to clean up, too much to be looked at, and not enough gold at the end of the path to even take the first step- YOU are worth it, it doesn’t have to be this way and it isn’t your fault.
Thanksgiving has come and gone in Canada, but it’s here today for our neighbours to the south, and given today’s particularly bristling cold here in Ottawa, I thought it might be a good idea to start a gratitude list, or in Abraham-Hicks language: a gratitude rampage.
Gratitude rampages are good for a couple of things, in my mind. For starters, I can’t think of a reason why you wouldn’t want to remind yourself every day of all the amazing-ness that surrounds you- be it blessings, people, opportunities, the sunshine, the socks on your feet. Secondly, I think it’s a really interesting exercise in truly noting where your mind space is at. If you’re struggling and starting with the socks on your feet, it’s a good indicator that something is off in your day. Maybe you need a nap. And finally, gratitude rampages have the power to completely shift that funk (and if it doesn’t, then I’d highly recommend that nap). Even if you’re not in a funk, listing out all the things you’re grateful for a few minutes will automatically take your vibe higher. And when we vibe higher, we attract miracles. Miracles being: a new client, a new connection, a profound feeling of love, a better sleep, a mindblowing conversation, mindblowing sex, etc. You get the picture!
Here’s my small list for today. It isn’t anything glamorous or meaningful, but as you write, pay attention to what happens in your body. Maybe your heart gets lighter and bigger. Maybe you start to smile or laugh. Maybe something magic happens.
So without further ado, here’s my list: for this new computer and the means to have purchased one, for the work I do today, for feeling like writing and actually writing, for the juicy yoga class I had this morning, for the opportunity to receive yoga, for my meeting yesterday to discuss a juicy new Reiki volunteer program, for the women who attended my first reiki share last night and took a chance and a leap in practicing for the first time, for Reiki in general– like, A LOT, for the blood and belonging course that I’m in and the opportunity to explore my ancestry, for my roots, for my mother, for my father, for grief, for laughter, for New Girl, for the internet, for access to drinking water everywhere, for my journal, for myself, for my body that carries me above and beyond where I want to go, for high speed blenders, for coffee and eggs and just breakfast in general and all the choices I have, for choice.
For the puppy that was born this week that will be coming home to my house. for my house. for my bedroom that is so cozy. for slippers, for a surprise free lunch!, for warm boots, for the sunshine on a cold day, for sweaters, for healing, for my own healing, for my own limiting beliefs and fears, for procrastination, for doing the work and showing up, for community, for my big glowing heart, for expansion, for headphones, for music, for my partner, for cuddles, for night socks, for taking risks and applying for podcasts this week, for my dear dear friends, for the supportive environment I’ve cultivated dearly for the last few years, for feeling at home in my body, for turkey, for turkey mixed with gravy mixed with cranberry, for more and more opportunities coming my way as I continue to open and open and open…
And there you have it. Give it a try, and report what you experienced if you’d like!
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