The Blog
I’m doing this new thing. I’ve come to the end of the rope with some of my self-destructive habits. I knew it was time to make a change when I slipped from anger to apathy. It happened in the process of trying not to beat myself up for slogging away in the same old ways and attempting to show myself a bit of fucking compassion. It back-fired. Instead of compassion, I absolve myself of my own actions and quickly became apathetic… and pathetic.
This might sound a bit bizarre, because self compassion and understanding is something that I work with clients on. But, it’s also very very human. We all have days in which we just bury our feelings in chips. Or bludgeon ourselves with ridiculous storylines about how immensely and profoundly fucked we are to not be able to JUST. Get. Our. Shit. Together.
In those soul searching nights, I’ve been searching for the secret button. The secret refrain or hack that was going to take me from conscious awareness to my desired next level: Habit Busting Mastery: Level Infinity. This could take me from knowing the places I desire growth, and choosing growth over stuckness every dang time. With ease, preferably on the beach- cocktail in hand.
So I’ve been on this quest and I’ve come to understand, finally and begrudgingly, that there is no secret pill. And perhaps, there is no Habit Busting Mastery: Level Infinity.
But I have learned a couple of things and I’m experimenting with my methods. I invite you to do the same. Here’s what I have up my sleeve:
- Be kind always. this is not a fight or a battle. What does it mean to actual show yourself some compassion? My own coach gave me an excellent analogy. Imagine you were driving with your co-pilot and you miss your exit off the highway. Which gets you back on track faster: ranting and yelling and swearing at the co-pilot? Screaming at them like they’re a fucking failure and complete shit at everything they do? Nah. Breathe, sister. Because…
- This is human. Humans the world over are not doing the things they know are best for them like… always. At least you’re aware. And maybe, just maybe… it’s kinda a funny thing that we do. Maybe we can see this in a more playful light. And with that, don’t simply brush it under the rug as an oopsie daisy moment, but get curious…
- Stop and cop a feeling. When we are faced with making a decision that would lead to growth, or when we’re at the other end of a series of less than stellar decisions, feel all the feelings. A brilliant sister of mine provides this inspired script: I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.
And then I thought to myself, what if I truly accepted that this was hard for me. Not because of me, but because it’s hard. And what if I truly accepted that I cannot do this on my own. Overtime, I’ve seen that I operate well in a container. A container that is designed and held for me, by someone else. A 21 day detox, an exercise program, an external challenge with external accountability, a coach. And what if I decided that not being able to do it alone was okay. And further to that acceptance— what tools can I use to support myself from a place of strength and resilience?
Nom nom treats.
I’ve decided that I’m a puppy and am trained through reward. I’ve done the research, and I know that I am not motivated by fear or consequences. The pain method? Hard pass… I just get angry. So from this knowing, I’m designing my own rewards system. And like a puppy being trained, I am not holding a grudge or making up some story about how if I were a real grown up I could do this on grit and enlightenment alone.
I’ll be implementing my super-science-sophisticated points system around here in a few days so check back in and hold my feet to the fire!
Does any of this ring true to you? Do you reward yourself with gold stars? If so, how? Inspire us all with your brilliance in the comments below.
Do you need a little help with some of your habits? Let’s work together. I’ve got a few free 45minute sessions available. Book yours here.
This blog is a part of the #braveblogging project from Makeness Media who are awesome.
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Whoah. What a week!
It’s been just under a year since I took the leap and put out a Craigslist ad looking for coaching clients. And since then, I’ve been working on and off with varying amounts of fear and commitment to get this little lady off the ground.
In November, I made the bold choice to really take things up a notch and signed up for Mentor Masterclass, a year long coaching mentorship program. And in this short month, I’ve already learned a lot about commitment, consistency and ritual.
I’ve had a lot of resistance to the idea of consistency, and particularly the word “commitment”. I’m new in my biz, I’m trying new things. The idea of being consistent in anything while I’m in discovery stage feels off to me andfocused on the external benefits – you’ll grow your list, get more engagement, and attract more clients. All very awesome, but all very external and in the end, not particularly motivating for me personally.
Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you… the REFRAME.
Mentor Masterclass is not fooling around; it requires a significant amount of commitment. As I was coming up to January, I was feeling tense. I have a lot on the go right now. I lead a full life. I have amazing sister-friends, I have a wonderful partner, I have a job I work 30 hours a week at, I’m writing my Master’s thesis, and I’m hustling at this coaching gig. The idea of squeezing anymore in felt like GACK impossible.
And yet, here I am a month in and all I feel is more spaciousness. This week, I booked four new sessions with four new people, pushing my limits even further.
Here’s the three things I did to make the impossible possible.
1. Preparation. It all started with those tense moments in November and December when I started freaking out about time. A shift was in order, and I started visualizing: a life full of spaciousness. Freedom of self-expression. Spaciousness to receive whole-heartedly. Spaciousness to grow. I also started shifting my mindset to make space for learning with this new venture on the horizon. Having the time to go to the calls and do the homework is one thing, setting clear intentions around creating space to learn and integrate is quite another.
Rituals include: Commiting to a meditation practice. Journaling consistently about how I was feeling and my fears. Creating affirmations and intentions and integrating them into daily activities (commute to work, washing dishes, etc.).
2. Action. Making space means… actually taking action to make space. When we think about our barriers to success, we can usually categorize them under two themes: external issues and personal attitudes/beliefs/behaviours. The hours in a day are unchangeable (for now!) but my personal attitudes, behaviours, and beliefs are what dictates what I can accomplish in those hours. So, I had to do some shifting here. I started making daily commitments to myself based on this singular question: What would make me proud today?
Rituals include: Writing down and posting my commitments publicly every week. Waking up an hour and a half earlier in the mornings. Doing the hardest shit first.
3. Self care. When your days become fuller and longer, you need to make sure you’re still meeting your own needs, otherwise what’s the whole point of this journey? To work hard for a week and then fall back into old patterns, racked with guilt? Nah, hard pass on that one.
Rituals include: Dropping the caffeine. Practicing gratitude. Moving. Drinking water. Practicing more reiki. Sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Yoga-at-home.
And the outcomes of all of this? SO MUCH SPACE.This is the mind-set shift that needed to happen to create more ease in my life. I acknowledged my fears. I decided I was willing to change. I opened myself up to receiving guidance on that change. I have followed that guidance with consistent action aligned with how I wanted to feel. With that I have let some things go and allowed others to shift.
Finding spaciousness has resulted in a quick elevation in my state-of-mind.
I’m writing my thesis with a new sense of purpose- I think about it everyday and write everyday. My coaching business kicked up organically. I am working on coaching every single day. I am growing my knowledge everyday. And more importantly, I am acting in alignment with my coaching every single day.
Consistency of action- or rituals- have pulled me into a flow that I thought impossible three months ago. And that flow builds into higher and higher vibrations that guide me to my next aligned action. And that is the internal motivation I needed to get consistent. That is the motivation for fullfilling my daily and weekly rituals.
Because the pay off is bigger than more clients and finishing my thesis. The pay-off is moving myself closer and closer to my groove, my peace, my place in this lovely, infinite world.
Do you desire more spaciousness? Let me know in the comments and let’s see how we can cultivate that together!
xo,
Jo
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