The Blog
How we manage our emotions today are ghosts of what we were taught.
I swear, living next to an elementary school is one of the best things that’s happened to me. Despite the midnight snow clearing and periodic school bells, every time I step outside of my house I’m greeted with a new lesson, which sometimes involves crying.
…. Be weird, no one cares. This includes walking in circles alone and mumbling to one’s self.
…. Run as fast as you can, feel the wind in your hair and laugh and laugh and laugh.
… Make up the rules as you go.
Today as I walked by, a young girl was standing by herself, abandoned on the recess field, pressed against the fence. As I got closer, I saw a teacher approaching, asking her to join the rest of the class. “I’m crying”, she responded, pressing further into the fence.
Her teacher’s response? A flat “Well, you can walk and cry. Come on. We have to get inside.”
I was horrified. My first instinct was to judge the shit out of that teacher. She shouldn’t have to cry in front of others? What if her face is red? Or her eyes? What a MONSTER. She didn’t even get down to her level and ask her what had happened? Given her a hug?
And then I got to thinking…
What should the teacher have done? Should she have stopped everything for this child to cry and talk about all the ways she was hurting? Sequester her in a corner where she can continue to feel ashamed of her tears? Or can she process her emotions on the walk, arrive a little bleary eyed, and realize that just because she was hurting, it doesn’t mean she needs to be ashamed.
She can walk and cry. And she can know that she has a few minutes with her teacher, walking hand-in-hand, to talk about what happened and how she’s feeling. She can be offered support that doesn’t dramatize or push aside her reaction. She can arrive, smiling yet tender. Cared for, seen, heard, and over it, or still in it. Without shame, without blame. And just like that, she’s off on her next adventure.
When did we forget that crying is natural and that emotions are safe? Perhaps we didn’t forget, perhaps it was taught out of us. How do we treat ourselves and others around us when we’re feeling deep grief or sadness or rejection? Do we feel powerful? Seen? Heard? HEALED?
Instead of stuffing, filing or pushing our feelings away. Instead of blaming and shaming our feelings away, what other choices do we have? None of these pathways {reject or regret} satisfy the core hurt. So what can we do instead?
We can walk and cry.
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As I mentioned in my previous post, my core desired feelings (CDFs) were coming into focus for me just as some major shifts were happening in my life. I had started realizing how often fear was making my decisions for me. In my work life, in my relationships, and particularly in my health. I was seeing the wear and tear that managing my diabetes from a place of fear– of death, of dismemberment, of taking up too much space and asking for too much– was hurting me. How much stress and anxiety I was living in without even noticing it. How much my thoughts had grown to revolve around food– where I could get it, how I would make my best choices, how those choices would affect me today and in 10 years. And at the same time, as I was strangling myself with fear, I was seeing a decrease in my health. I was exhausted. I couldn’t remember the last time I slept through the night. And my blood sugar levels were rising, despite the changes I’d been making.
As my anxiety deepened, I decided to take the plunge. Direct action. Radical responsibility. Claiming sovereignty. I allowed space for my core desired feelings to dictate my healing path, especially when fear and anxiety resurface. I changed my guideposts from “I don’t want to lose my eyesight” to “How do I want to feel?”. And that singular question led me to pursuing my own health and wellness from a standpoint of greater peace and love.
When I feel a craving for foods that cause my body to scream, I ask myself which of my CDFs am I missing right now? What is my body and soul calling out for? I invite the feeling in (and therefore out!) instead of saturating it with carbs. this simple task can take anywhere for 10 seconds to 30 minutes. Silence, allowance and release.
When I’m deciding what I want to eat, or how I want to move in my day. What would leave me feeling radiant? Full?
And most importantly, I use this as a helpful tool to rebound from system crashes. Because yes, there are still days (plural, and sometimes in a row, often in the company of burgers) where I cannot reach for my tools. I know where I keep them and I know what to do with them, but sometimes it feels as if my arms are just too short to grab them. And so I lean into my desires. And when I’m full again, I reach for my CDFs to guide my recovery. I reach for full, for still, for radiance. And I use them to quiet the voices of failure, fear, apathy.
My CDFs have become my buoys that guide me in my shadow times (I’m a water sign, can you tell?). And through this process I’m growing and learning as opposed to contracting and hiding. It’s a process, and it isn’t always pretty. And often I need extra hugs and sweet words from others.
Through my Desire Map classes, we give some love and care to figuring out how it is that you can best integrate these tools into your life. We’ll have a look at what triggers you and what kind of support you desire. The power of a group of women coming together to speak about desire cannot be overstated. It is pure magic. Through the process and the sisterhood we’re building something beautiful, a container for change. Join me by clicking here.
