The Blog
I’m doing this new thing. I’ve come to the end of the rope with some of my self-destructive habits. I knew it was time to make a change when I slipped from anger to apathy. It happened in the process of trying not to beat myself up for slogging away in the same old ways and attempting to show myself a bit of fucking compassion. It back-fired. Instead of compassion, I absolve myself of my own actions and quickly became apathetic… and pathetic.
This might sound a bit bizarre, because self compassion and understanding is something that I work with clients on. But, it’s also very very human. We all have days in which we just bury our feelings in chips. Or bludgeon ourselves with ridiculous storylines about how immensely and profoundly fucked we are to not be able to JUST. Get. Our. Shit. Together.
In those soul searching nights, I’ve been searching for the secret button. The secret refrain or hack that was going to take me from conscious awareness to my desired next level: Habit Busting Mastery: Level Infinity. This could take me from knowing the places I desire growth, and choosing growth over stuckness every dang time. With ease, preferably on the beach- cocktail in hand.
So I’ve been on this quest and I’ve come to understand, finally and begrudgingly, that there is no secret pill. And perhaps, there is no Habit Busting Mastery: Level Infinity.
But I have learned a couple of things and I’m experimenting with my methods. I invite you to do the same. Here’s what I have up my sleeve:
- Be kind always. this is not a fight or a battle. What does it mean to actual show yourself some compassion? My own coach gave me an excellent analogy. Imagine you were driving with your co-pilot and you miss your exit off the highway. Which gets you back on track faster: ranting and yelling and swearing at the co-pilot? Screaming at them like they’re a fucking failure and complete shit at everything they do? Nah. Breathe, sister. Because…
- This is human. Humans the world over are not doing the things they know are best for them like… always. At least you’re aware. And maybe, just maybe… it’s kinda a funny thing that we do. Maybe we can see this in a more playful light. And with that, don’t simply brush it under the rug as an oopsie daisy moment, but get curious…
- Stop and cop a feeling. When we are faced with making a decision that would lead to growth, or when we’re at the other end of a series of less than stellar decisions, feel all the feelings. A brilliant sister of mine provides this inspired script: I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.
And then I thought to myself, what if I truly accepted that this was hard for me. Not because of me, but because it’s hard. And what if I truly accepted that I cannot do this on my own. Overtime, I’ve seen that I operate well in a container. A container that is designed and held for me, by someone else. A 21 day detox, an exercise program, an external challenge with external accountability, a coach. And what if I decided that not being able to do it alone was okay. And further to that acceptance— what tools can I use to support myself from a place of strength and resilience?
Nom nom treats.
I’ve decided that I’m a puppy and am trained through reward. I’ve done the research, and I know that I am not motivated by fear or consequences. The pain method? Hard pass… I just get angry. So from this knowing, I’m designing my own rewards system. And like a puppy being trained, I am not holding a grudge or making up some story about how if I were a real grown up I could do this on grit and enlightenment alone.
I’ll be implementing my super-science-sophisticated points system around here in a few days so check back in and hold my feet to the fire!
Does any of this ring true to you? Do you reward yourself with gold stars? If so, how? Inspire us all with your brilliance in the comments below.
Do you need a little help with some of your habits? Let’s work together. I’ve got a few free 45minute sessions available. Book yours here.
This blog is a part of the #braveblogging project from Makeness Media who are awesome.
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Dealing with difficult people is one of those wonderful parts of life. You can’t really avoid a run-in with jerks who just seem to want to ruin your day- get into your groove and royally f it up. If you’re one of the lucky ones, these difficult people have minimal impact on your life- they’re a friend of a friend you see at a party every now and again, or they’re that strange co-worker who works on a different floor who you only see while you’re waiting in line for your free hotdog at the company BBQ.
Unfortunately for a lot of us, difficult people are often found in our family. Immediate family. Say, your mother for instance. The issue of setting healthy boundaries gets a bit more murky- and there’s a lot to be said about setting boundaries with loved ones- stay tuned. There is a lot of information out there about releasing the guilt associated with creating boundaries.
But, this is not that post. Instead, this is the post-boundary guilt post. You’ve worked hard. You’ve set and re-set boundaries. You’re standing strong in your desire to manage your reactions to their actions. You stand firm in your power.
Then out of nowhere, it hits you– THE GUILT. Oh the guilt. You thought you got over this when you banished the guilt you felt for even considering boundaries to begin with! And now this? WHEN DOES IT END?
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. Guilt and shame are our ego, and unless you’re Ekhart Tolle or of the enlightened, this little buddy is going to come up again and again. So what do you do? The point of boundaries is to take care of your needs, not carry around more ick.
1. Breathe, babe. Those big, mindful breathes. My favourite: breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 8, hold for 3. Repeat until desired calm has arrived.
2. Express gratitude. This uncomfortable feeling is you being conscious of your emotions and not letting them run your life! Thank yourself for this. Gratitude is the foundation for resilience. Be your best cheerleader. Or email me and let me cheer you on. You got this.
3. Remind yourself that taking care of you is taking care of others. Staying in the toxic relationship you had pre-boundaries wasn’t taking you anywhere positive, was it? Consider what it is that is making you feel uncomfortable. Write them down, journal them out. Maybe consider writing a letter to your boundary-partner outlining your feelings. Maybe you send it, maybe you don’t. Chances are, the thing that you feel guilty about is not the actual thing. Dig in here, this is the good stuff. Make adjustments to your boundaries (or your relationship to those boundaries) as you see fit.
4. Find support. You’ll be amazed how liberating it is to speak to someone. And it literally can be anyone- a coach, a stranger, even. Sometimes we come to our own conclusions when we talk it all out.
5. Express gratitude again. Not only to yourself for putting yourself first and for working hard at building a better relationship with yourself and others, but also for taking a chance on being vulnerable. This is huge. Go you!
And finally…
6. Renew your commitment.This is tough stuff. And it’s going to take time. But it’s so so worth it.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is an art that requires practice. What are some of the boundaries you have set, and what do you do when you feel guilty?
