I was just in a coffee shop and overheard two women combing over an email to a prof asking for a meeting to pick their brain. They were going through it with a fine-toothed comb- is it polite? Is it clear? Is it in my voice? Is my ask too much? What can I offer in return?
I smiled. I remember when every email I sent and every post I wrote needed as much care and attention. I was afraid of writing partial truths, of leaving something out, of not having my languaging perfect.
Every conversation I started with someone, sales or not, was so high stakes. I remember even reaching out to make a connection with someone I admired or liked felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
From small moves to the bigger stuff, I was constantly seeking a second, third, fourth eye on my decisions.
It’s kind of funny looking back on this pattern in my life.
I think if you asked anyone who knows me, they’d describe me as a strong-willed person. Someone who often walks to the beat of her own drum. Stubborn. A woman with opinions and a voice. Well-articulated, kind…
And while those attributes are true, there were still massive areas in my life where I wasn’t any of those things. I couldn’t conjure my Inner Jo, the one who took confident risks. Who knew her worth and value. Knew she was good. Knew she was in integrity. Knew she could ask for more. Without bending or bracing or waiting for the lash back.
So why was this business thing so hard?
Because of developmental trauma, I had no intrinsic barometer for self-trust and had to source it from others. I was terrified of being shitty and hurting people or causing offense and so everything I did as I stepped deeper into service took a lot out of me.
I couldn’t take up the leadership space that I was actually ready for. And I made choices that reflected the opinions of others rather than my own Blueprint. I was exhausted, growth was really hard, change was slow, I was unhappy and ashamed.
Today, I’m still calibrating my barometer with every growth leap I take. I’ve got some wise advisors I reach out to when I need someone to hold space for my own decisions. I have a keen eye on my own integrity, not out of hyper-vigilance but to be well, in integrity.
And my work has so much more space to flow. My service is bigger and brighter. My capacity growing with each breathe. And it feels SO good- for me and my clients. We’re going further, together.
If you resonate with any of this, I’d love to chat about the path we can take together- I’d be honoured to guide you into deeper self-trust.